Untold Feelings

Looking in your eyes that night …

Yes.

I can still remember that night. You were sitting by the pool, drunk, and barely sober.

You slowly smiled at me and pointed your finger to yourself, then you told me your name as if I had forgotten it.

I won’t forget your name, nor forget you at all.

I just laughingly smiled at you c’oz you looked silly, then I looked up the night sky.

I asked myself if it’s alright to feel this way. It feels weird and terrifying at the same time. But I love the way my heart beats that night. Nervous that you might hear how loud it goes.

But I know you won’t remember that moment. Because in your mind I know …

It’s her.

The woman you like. She who you’ve always adored from the beginning. She who’s always in your heart.

She’s the luckiest woman … because you love her.

Until she left.

I saw how your world broke down into million pieces.

I felt how painful it was. Through your eyes. Through your smiles.

I was there …

I chose to be there. Not because of this feeling.

Believe me I chose to forget how I feel the moment I knew you like her.

I chose to be there for you. Because that’s the least I can do. As your friend.

Besides, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it will be on listening to people and understanding feelings.

But hey, that was almost 10 months ago.

Can you remember how many bottles of beer you’ve drunk? How many miles you’ve biked and how many mountains you’ve climed?

How many cafes we’ve visited? How many kinds of burgers we’ve tasted? How many cups of coffee and frappe we’ve consumed? And how much french fries we’ve shared?

Well I hope that helped. Even by just a bit.

I’m not her. I can’t make you as happy as before. Well I didn’t even tried to.

But now I’m glad to see that you’ve moved on.

I will always remember those random talks we had on our trips going home from work. I won’t forget the way you looked when you almost cried when you told me that she no longer talks to you.

She’s lucky. She’s blessed.

To be loved by someone as genuine as you.

If only feelings can be taught. If only we can choose who we’ll be falling in love with … it will be much easier, right?

But these feelings always surprise us. They come in the most unexpected time, for the most unexpected people.

Maybe one day I would have the courage to let you know that I’m always affected by anything about you.

That I like you.

And sometimes it hurts.

–Mara.

Ikaw

โ€‹Nung nakilala kita … Yung higit pa sa pangalan mo lang … Dun ko nasabi sa sarili ko na, “sana nakilala na kita dati pa.” Nung mga panahong inosente pa ako sa sakit at lungkot na dala ng pagmamahal. Nung mga panahong kaya ko pa magtiwala at maniwala. Nung mga araw na totoo pa ang mga ngiting ipinapakita ko.

Ikaw yung matagal ko nang hinihintay. Ikaw yung laman ng mga panaginip kong dati ay imposibleng magkatotoo. Ikaw yung tamang tao na bubuo ng palaisipan na ito …

Pero wala na yung tamang ako.

Matagal ko nang pinatay ang damdaming matagal na ring naghihintay. Naghihintay ng tunay. Dahil dati sinabi ko na ayos lang masaktan. Basta ang gusto ko yung tunay. Yung walang maskara. Yung walang lihim. Kahit pangit pa o madilim ay pipiliin ko itong yakapin. Yayakapin ko kahit puno ito ng tinik. Titiisin ko kahit gaano kasakit. Basta totoo.

Pero paulit-ulit lamang akong sinaktan ng kasinungalingan. Kaya’t mas pinili ko nalang patayin ang pag-asa kong makaranas ng tunay.  Mas pinili kong patayin ang damdaming naghahangad ng tunay na pagmamahal.

Kaya’t nalulungkot ako nang makilala kita. Dahil natagpuan ko na ang tamang taong kukumpleto ng istoryang ito. Ngunit hindi ko na mahanap ang tamang ako.

-Mara.

Right Time

This is not just about love, but about life as well. I have this favorite song with the title Timelines and it’s by Motion City Soundtrack. It has a line that goes, it’s not a matter of time, it’s just a matter of timing. I guess it’s true, because nobody can tell you that hey, today is the right time.

Well, what if today is the right time? They told you it is … but you messed it all up. That does mean you’re doomed forever because you missed the right time? Of course not! That’s the reason why life is made up of endless chances. There’s no such thing as the right time. We all make bad decisions. We all make mistakes. And that’s where we find the right answers.

Stop waiting for the right time. You’ll never know if it’s right unless you try. Unless you fail. Unless you get hurt. Whether it’s about your career, your adventures, or you falling in love … take the risk.

The right  time for me pertains to the ending of a story. You’ll only know of it’s the right time when you can answer yes to all of these:

  • Are you happy?
  • Did you learn?
  • Do you want to repeat it without changing anything?
  • Are you contented?
  • Are you ready to die?

If there’s a no … then it isn’t the right time yet. It isn’t the end. You still have the chance to achieve your goals. You still have a reason to dream.

Learn that everyday can be a right time for you. To be happy, to improve, to be a better version of you. Take risks … because the best things and the best people in life are worth the risk for and not worth waiting for. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I Lost Another Chapter

(I’ve written this way back 2010.)

Start counting. One, two, three … then what? Nothing to think about … no ideas coming. I’ll wear my headphones, pick a CD, lie down on my bed then turn on the disc man. The song will play over and over until it get stuck on my mind. I’ll check my phone for any messages … there’s none. I’ll get out of my bed. Find the notebook and pen. Think … think  … then I’ll begin to daydream. About the past. About my wishes. About someone special. I’ll look at the clock. It says 1:02am. Everything’s quiet. I can hear nothing, only my breath. I’ll set aside my works. Lie down. Then get up. I’ll turn off the lights. Lie down again. Think of someone … have a little smile … take a deep, deep breath and tell my self it’ll all be fine. I’ll close my eyes. One tear falls … then another one. In a snap, I’m asleep. Guess what?

Another chapter’s gone.

A Matter of Knowing Your Worth

There’s this saying that before you love other people, you should learn to love yourself first. I don’t really understand that before. I don’t understand the concept of loving yourself, and it feels like narcissism for me. But as I grow up, and as I’ve experienced certain heartbreaks, that’s the time I came to realize what it really means. Loving yourself means knowing your worth. It’s figuring out what you really want and what you really deserve. Love is not just about seeing the good in other people. Love is discovering even the worst about a person and accepting it. Some says that, “the better person you are, the better person you’ll attract”, and that, I believe is true. A person worthy of your love should know how to treat you right. By that I mean, not just you, but everything and everyone in your life. But before that, it should start with you. You should know how to treat yourself right, along with everything and everyone in your life. It’s a normal thing to fall in love, but you shouldn’t set aside your morals, values, and principles when you do. Like what I just said, love, is accepting everything about a person, the good and the bad. You shouldn’t change because of it. You shouldn’t break your principles just because you’re in love. If a person truly loves you, he would respect and understand all the aspect in your life. And you should do the same too.

We live in the generation where it’s difficult to find true love. Do you know why? Because it seems like everybody’s looking for it. Hey, I’ll tell you what … if you really know your worth as a person, you won’t be searching for love, because I’ll assure you that it will come, in your happiest days when you aren’t even looking for it.

You are priceless. Always remember that. Use your mind in making decisions. Be practical. Always think about your goals in life, and choose a person who will be willing to make them all come true with you. Never rush things. Get to know yourself. Always be in the best version of you. Show the world how strong you are, and nobody would dare break you apart. Know who you deserve, and who deserves you. ๐Ÿ˜‰

A Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self

Hey there! I know that you tend to worry so much about your future. I’ll tell you what, just take it easy. You’re still too young to stress yourself with so many responsibilities. Take time to breathe and enjoy with your friends. Stop worrying because everything’s going to be okay. There are truly days when things seem to fall apart, but remember, it wouldn’t stay like that forever. There are many more years to come. What you should do right now is to collect moments. Learn things. Meet people. Fall in love. Get hurt. Become a better person. Everything takes time. Just don’t lose yourself in trying so hard to become somebody else. Yes, people will judge you. The way you look. The way you act. The way you speak. Even your “best-est” friend will talk about you behind your back. Keep this in mind, they can judge you all they want, but it’s you who knows yourself better. You don’t live to please other people. Just continue being true to yourself. Keep on doing your best and trust that God’s plans are always going to be better than yours. ย Distance yourself from those who keep on weighing you down, and stay close to those who dream as big as you do. Learn to trust yourself with the decisions you make in life. Failure is a normal thing, and you have your family to lean on to in times of hardships.

Life is wonderful. Keep that in your mind. No matter how difficult, painful, and agonizing situations may get, keep holding on to your dreams. Always listen to your parents. They may be strict at times, but it’s for your own good. Trust me, they make the best decisions for you. Don’t rush on falling in love. Believe me, it’s a long process of getting to know people. Focus on your dreams for now. True love waits. It’s true! It’s not just an old saying that you get tired of hearing over and over again. You’re young. There’ll be plenty of time to fall in love when you get older. At this time, just enjoy earning friends.

You’re just sixteen. There’ll be more years. More moments. More challenges. Keep your head up. Show your talents. Do what you enjoy doing. You’ll reach your goals soon. Step by step.

Remember to always live your life to the fullest! Take chances and don’t let them be regrets, learn from them. Don’t give up. Future is great! Trust me. ๐Ÿ™‚

Pinagtagpo

Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ko nang tinanong sa Diyos kung bakit kita nakilala. Hindi sa ayaw ko. Nais ko lang malaman ang totoo. Hindi kita mahal, na tulad ng pagmamahal ng isang dalaga sa isang binata na tila tinamaan ng pana ni kupido sa sobrang ligaya. Maaaring masaya ako sa tuwing kausap ka, ngunit patuloy pa rin naman ang buhay ko kung wala ka. Hindi sapat ang mga salita upang mauwi sa pag-ibig. Hindi sapat ang mga ngiting gumuguhit sa labi sa tuwing binibigkas ang matatamis na pahiwatig. Maraming dahilan ang pagdating ng mga tao sa buhay natin, ngunit hindi lahat ng dumarating ay dapat nating ibigin. Hindi natin lubos na kilala ang isa’t-isa. Maaaring alam mo ang mga ayaw at gusto ko, ngunit alam rin iyon ng mga tao sa paligid ko. O maaari ngang higit pa sa mga nalalaman mo. Maaaring pinagtagpo tayo, na katulad lang din sa kung paano kayo pinagtagpo ng mga kaibigan mo. Masyadong malalim ang terminong “itinadhana”. Para bang nagsasabing tama na ang lahat. Tila nagpapahiwatig ng isang pagwawakas, ng isang hangganan. Masyado pang maaga. At naniniwala akong hindi ganito kabilis kumilos ang tadhana. Iwasan mong mag-isip ng mga malalalim na kahulugan. Dahil minsan ay sapat nang makuntento sa kung anong nakikita ng mata at nahahawakan ng kamay. Hindi dahil sa masaya ako tuwing kausap ka ay pinasasaya mo na ang buong buhay ko. Masyadong malaki ang mundong ginagalawan ko para ipirmi ko ang atensyon ko sa isang parte lamang nito. Nasasaktan ka ba? Hindi. Maniwala ka. Kung iisipin mong masakit ang mga salitang ito ay iyon nga ang mararamdaman mo. Hindi ko nais kailanman na manakit. Ipinaliliwanag ko lang ang aking damdamin. Tayo’y pinagtagpo. Maaaring ng pagkakataon, ngunit hindi ng pag-ibig … at lalong hindi ng tadhana.

–Mara.