Untold Feelings

Looking in your eyes that night …

Yes.

I can still remember that night. You were sitting by the pool, drunk, and barely sober.

You slowly smiled at me and pointed your finger to yourself, then you told me your name as if I had forgotten it.

I won’t forget your name, nor forget you at all.

I just laughingly smiled at you c’oz you looked silly, then I looked up the night sky.

I asked myself if it’s alright to feel this way. It feels weird and terrifying at the same time. But I love the way my heart beats that night. Nervous that you might hear how loud it goes.

But I know you won’t remember that moment. Because in your mind I know …

It’s her.

The woman you like. She who you’ve always adored from the beginning. She who’s always in your heart.

She’s the luckiest woman … because you love her.

Until she left.

I saw how your world broke down into million pieces.

I felt how painful it was. Through your eyes. Through your smiles.

I was there …

I chose to be there. Not because of this feeling.

Believe me I chose to forget how I feel the moment I knew you like her.

I chose to be there for you. Because that’s the least I can do. As your friend.

Besides, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it will be on listening to people and understanding feelings.

But hey, that was almost 10 months ago.

Can you remember how many bottles of beer you’ve drunk? How many miles you’ve biked and how many mountains you’ve climed?

How many cafes we’ve visited? How many kinds of burgers we’ve tasted? How many cups of coffee and frappe we’ve consumed? And how much french fries we’ve shared?

Well I hope that helped. Even by just a bit.

I’m not her. I can’t make you as happy as before. Well I didn’t even tried to.

But now I’m glad to see that you’ve moved on.

I will always remember those random talks we had on our trips going home from work. I won’t forget the way you looked when you almost cried when you told me that she no longer talks to you.

She’s lucky. She’s blessed.

To be loved by someone as genuine as you.

If only feelings can be taught. If only we can choose who we’ll be falling in love with … it will be much easier, right?

But these feelings always surprise us. They come in the most unexpected time, for the most unexpected people.

Maybe one day I would have the courage to let you know that I’m always affected by anything about you.

That I like you.

And sometimes it hurts.

–Mara.

2016 Happened

“Two thousand sixteen for me is like a cup of black coffee with sugar.”

I started the year with new people and friends. And I can say that it’s full of firsts.

-First birthday surprise.
-First morning bulalo and drinking session in Tagaytay.
-First time I introduced a guy to my family.
-First mountain climb.
-First time I got drunk so bad that I almost got knocked out. (But im strong. Haha)
-First long drive out of town. (Ilocos)
-And too many cafes and restaurants that I’ve tried for the first time.

Going back to these things made me realize that I’m now a totally different person than who I am in the previous years. Because I somehow learned to step out of my comfort zone even when I know how vulnerable I can get at times.

I’ve met wonderful people … who didn’t judge me the way others did. Those who understood my reserved personality. Those who listened to my silence. Those who effortly dug deep to see my roots. And I thank them from the bottom of my heart.

It may not be a perfect year as it caused me a heartbreak … but the important thing is that the lesson stayed. As I said in the beginning … 2016 is like a cup of black coffee with sugar. It’s my favorite kind of coffee … because it is sweet .. but it never loses its bitterness.

That’s the reality of life. It’s not always that colorful. But the pain and sadness help us realize the true meaning of happiness.

The bitter the coffee, the more energy it gives you. Same as the more it hurts, the stronger you become.

2016 was an awesome year.


I hope that this 2017, everything gets better. I’m looking forward to more breathtaking adventures, more people to meet, more places to discover, and more foods to taste. Let’s all forget the drama. We only live once. 😉


Happy New Year to you!

Cheers,
Mara.

Random Post

​Last night around 6:00 PM. On my way to work. It’s a rainy night and here are the songs that played in my dad’s car …

.Sila – SUD
.Tadhana – Up Dharma Down
.An old mellow song i don’t know but it’s good.
.Same Old Love?? – im not good at this
.We Can’t Stop – Boyce Avenue
.lady in red?.. – according to dad. haha idk tho.
.To Love Somebody – how? 😂 (sing along with dad) them feels. Haha
.Babe I Love You
.Sad to Belong

.. well I was just trying to cheer myself up. It worked .. for a bit I guess.

I’ll be okay. I just need a pause for a while.

I’ll be writing again soon. 

Right Time

This is not just about love, but about life as well. I have this favorite song with the title Timelines and it’s by Motion City Soundtrack. It has a line that goes, it’s not a matter of time, it’s just a matter of timing. I guess it’s true, because nobody can tell you that hey, today is the right time.

Well, what if today is the right time? They told you it is … but you messed it all up. That does mean you’re doomed forever because you missed the right time? Of course not! That’s the reason why life is made up of endless chances. There’s no such thing as the right time. We all make bad decisions. We all make mistakes. And that’s where we find the right answers.

Stop waiting for the right time. You’ll never know if it’s right unless you try. Unless you fail. Unless you get hurt. Whether it’s about your career, your adventures, or you falling in love … take the risk.

The right  time for me pertains to the ending of a story. You’ll only know of it’s the right time when you can answer yes to all of these:

  • Are you happy?
  • Did you learn?
  • Do you want to repeat it without changing anything?
  • Are you contented?
  • Are you ready to die?

If there’s a no … then it isn’t the right time yet. It isn’t the end. You still have the chance to achieve your goals. You still have a reason to dream.

Learn that everyday can be a right time for you. To be happy, to improve, to be a better version of you. Take risks … because the best things and the best people in life are worth the risk for and not worth waiting for. 😉

I Lost Another Chapter

(I’ve written this way back 2010.)

Start counting. One, two, three … then what? Nothing to think about … no ideas coming. I’ll wear my headphones, pick a CD, lie down on my bed then turn on the disc man. The song will play over and over until it get stuck on my mind. I’ll check my phone for any messages … there’s none. I’ll get out of my bed. Find the notebook and pen. Think … think  … then I’ll begin to daydream. About the past. About my wishes. About someone special. I’ll look at the clock. It says 1:02am. Everything’s quiet. I can hear nothing, only my breath. I’ll set aside my works. Lie down. Then get up. I’ll turn off the lights. Lie down again. Think of someone … have a little smile … take a deep, deep breath and tell my self it’ll all be fine. I’ll close my eyes. One tear falls … then another one. In a snap, I’m asleep. Guess what?

Another chapter’s gone.

Too Shallow, Too Deep

I began writing at the age of seven. Those stories that begins with once upon a time. Those cliché fantasies.

Well, writing isn’t just for journalists, novelists, song writers, and the like. Writing is for all of those who have the heart and mind to share their wildest imaginations, opinions, and as well as theories. It’s for everyone who aim to inspire and those who believe in the power of words. It’s for those who know how to turn their feelings into paragraphs and sentences. For the people who always want to remember.

It doesn’t matter what kinds of words you use. It doesn’t matter how deep or hidden the thought might be. It doesn’t matter how shallow your opinion is. What matters is you write with an open mind

Being a writer means being open to criticisms and other people’s opinion. It means giving your self a room to grow and improve everyday.

A good writer is a good observer. If you can let your readers smell the flowers through your writings, then I bet it’s easy for you to let them feel the thrill of flying even when you have never tried it before.

I write to inspire … I inspire to write.

Worthless

One word.
But it cuts deep across my chest.

That’s how you made me feel.

WORTHLESS.

Why?

Because I don’t have plans.
Because I don’t have long term goals.
Because I’m not like her.
Because I am not her.

Well sometimes I just wonder …
If it even crosses your mind …

That person who’s been there for you.
The one who stayed up late to talk to you.
The one who waited for you.

The one who always told you that you’re an amazing person.
The one who had the courage to show you how much she loves you even when she knew that she won’t be getting the same kind of love back.

But I guess not.

Maybe I’m just really that easy to forget.
Or maybe you just chose not to remember.

But you know what …

I’m happy for you.
For who you’ve become.
For finally achieving your dreams.
For finding the one you could give your world to.

For finally proving your worth …

Even when you left me worthless.