Untold Feelings

Looking in your eyes that night …

Yes.

I can still remember that night. You were sitting by the pool, drunk, and barely sober.

You slowly smiled at me and pointed your finger to yourself, then you told me your name as if I had forgotten it.

I won’t forget your name, nor forget you at all.

I just laughingly smiled at you c’oz you looked silly, then I looked up the night sky.

I asked myself if it’s alright to feel this way. It feels weird and terrifying at the same time. But I love the way my heart beats that night. Nervous that you might hear how loud it goes.

But I know you won’t remember that moment. Because in your mind I know …

It’s her.

The woman you like. She who you’ve always adored from the beginning. She who’s always in your heart.

She’s the luckiest woman … because you love her.

Until she left.

I saw how your world broke down into million pieces.

I felt how painful it was. Through your eyes. Through your smiles.

I was there …

I chose to be there. Not because of this feeling.

Believe me I chose to forget how I feel the moment I knew you like her.

I chose to be there for you. Because that’s the least I can do. As your friend.

Besides, if there’s one thing I’m good at, it will be on listening to people and understanding feelings.

But hey, that was almost 10 months ago.

Can you remember how many bottles of beer you’ve drunk? How many miles you’ve biked and how many mountains you’ve climed?

How many cafes we’ve visited? How many kinds of burgers we’ve tasted? How many cups of coffee and frappe we’ve consumed? And how much french fries we’ve shared?

Well I hope that helped. Even by just a bit.

I’m not her. I can’t make you as happy as before. Well I didn’t even tried to.

But now I’m glad to see that you’ve moved on.

I will always remember those random talks we had on our trips going home from work. I won’t forget the way you looked when you almost cried when you told me that she no longer talks to you.

She’s lucky. She’s blessed.

To be loved by someone as genuine as you.

If only feelings can be taught. If only we can choose who we’ll be falling in love with … it will be much easier, right?

But these feelings always surprise us. They come in the most unexpected time, for the most unexpected people.

Maybe one day I would have the courage to let you know that I’m always affected by anything about you.

That I like you.

And sometimes it hurts.

–Mara.